Tackling Social Anxiety at Christmas Time

I have been battling to get this blog post out before Christmas, while it is still relevant.
I've suddenly started regretting my decision to handmade all my Christmas gifts this year because, while I have enjoyed it, it has been hard going!
I hope this post is still going to be relevant and helpful to some people, in spite of its lateness.

The Christmas and New Year period is usually filled with social occasions, which for a person who struggles with social anxiety can be rather daunting.
I find social situations quite challenging.
I think naturally I am quite a shy and introverted person so I can find it quite an effort to make conversation, especially with people who I haven't seen in a while, or who I don't know very well.
Also, as a result of some of the trauma I've been through in the past, I can find it quite difficult to trust people so I struggle to put much of myself out there when I first meet them.  I can also find myself quite distracted by my environment due to triggers of past traumas, particularly in busy environments.  As a child I suffered from selective mutism and while I am much better than I was, if I become very anxious I will struggle to speak and sometimes feeling pressure to speak can make it worse.  Combine all this with additional anxieties about food (last year I wrote a post about Surviving Christmas while Recovering from an Eating Disorder) and you get a socially anxious mess!
However, I made a decision a couple of years back that I wasn't going to use Christmas as excuse to fall into chaos and become that socially anxious mess.  I can try to make things feel more manageable, challenge and overcome some of my fears and better still, I might actually be able to enjoy some of these previously feared social occasions.

This year I went to the annual Christmas meal amongst my group of friends.
We went to our favourite little country pub restaurant.
I've included a few photos at the top of our meal, as well as some of my photos of some of the amazing Christmas lights I came across on a recent trip to London.
The pub's grill was broken so the menu was very limited and there were very few other people there (which was good news for me!). This meant that most of us had no choice but to opt for a very festive pie and chips but we didn't care in the slightest and entered into the spirit of things!
I had such a good time!
There were a few things that made me anxious but I managed it well and chatted easily to my friends, even though I had quite a difficult day prior.
Compared to previous years, it was a huge success and I left in a good mood with my confidence intact.

I wanted to share a few things that might help others to tackle their social anxiety surrounding upcoming events over the Christmas and New Year period...

Everyone experiences anxiety to some extent.
I honestly don't think there is anyone out there who is one hundred percent confident.  Everyone is going to have some sort of event or occasion that is going to worry about at one point or another.  Someone recently said to me that everyone is fighting some kind of battle that you can't see.  You might be sat at a meal worried about someone asking you a question, someone else might be sat at the same table worrying about the meal in front of them or some issues they've had with family members before they went out.
Challenges are a part of life and they are there to be overcome.

Talk about it.
Remember, everyone has their issues but as hard as it can be, it can help to talk about it.  If there is an event coming up that I am anxious about, I will usually tell a close friend about it in advance, it usually helps if they are going to the event as well.  Sometimes just knowing that there's someone there who is aware that it might be difficult situation for you can make all the difference and make you feel less alone.

Talk to others through someone else.
This is a technique I use to help me in situations where I am faced with conversation in a group.  If you tell a friend that you are anxious about a social gathering beforehand, you could arrange to go to the event with them and stick with them throughout.  It can really help to pick someone who is quite chatty and more socially confident than you.  This will guarantee that you are going to be with someone who you are most comfortable chatting with the whole time you are there.  Your friend can help to bring other people into the conversation until you feel more comfortable with speaking to the person directly.

Aim small at first.
It is important to have an idea beforehand of how much you would like to achieve and it is important to make this aim realistic.  You can't expect to suddenly burst into a room, stay all night and be the life and soul of the party.
If you expect too much of yourself then you are only going to end up disappointed.

Limit the amount of time you are going to be there.
You could create a goal for yourself of attending a social occasion for just half an hour at first.  It would be better to have a positive shorter experience than push yourself to stay longer and it turning into a negative experience.  Don't worry about how it will look to stay just for a short amount of time - people do it all the time for lots of different reasons - they might have somewhere else to go onto etc.
If the person who has organised the event is a good friend then they will appreciate the fact that you have turned up, no matter how long you stay.

Build yourself up slowly.
Sometimes I might set myself a goal of initiating a topic of conversation or asking someone a question just twice across an evening.  Anything I do beyond that is just a bonus.  There is nothing wrong at all if you feel the most you can do to begin with is just be there and not say anything at all.  Not speaking doesn't have to look odd or feel uncomfortable.  There are so many other ways of communicating that can still make you feel a part of what is going on around you.  It's perfectly fine to just sit and listen to what other people are saying,  giving the odd nod or smile to show you are engaging with them.  Sometimes just laughing along with others can make you feel such a part of what is being said.
Laughter definitely is the best medicine!

Prepare topics of conversation and things to say.
The aspect I find most difficult about social situations is starting conversations or asking other people things.  I am not bad at responding to things other people have said but I find it very difficult to make the first move.  It's not that I am not interested in other people, I really am, I want to know about things that are going on in their lives, I just find it very difficult when the focus centres on me when I start a conversation.
It can help though to think of a few things in advance that you might like to ask other people.  I find it can help sometimes to look on social media to remind yourself of the kind of things people have been up to recently.  There might be something that you'd like to ask them more about.

Bring things to distract you when it becomes a bit too overwhelming or intense.
Phones are wonderful for this.
People are always checking their phones.  If you are finding the pressure too much, take a few minutes to focus on something else.
No one will think anything of it,  they're probably doing it themselves!

Don't worry about what other people think of you.
This is probably the hardest one to put in practice but remember, everyone has got their own issues to contend with, the chances are that they will not even notice if you seem quiet or don't say much because they are busy worrying about their own issues.  You may worry that other people will think you're weird or awkward but it's likely they are worrying about the exact same thing to some extent.
It takes all sorts to make a good social group of people.  There are always going to be people who are more on the outside of things but it doesn't make them any less valuable than those at the centre of a social situation.
Someone has also told me that there are always going to be people who won't understand, especially about things as complex as mental health, but there will be plenty more who will try to.
If someone will not accept you for who you are and makes you feel inadequate then they are not worthy of being a part of your life.

Plan yourself some well deserved 'me time' to reward yourself with after.
Socialising can feel quite exhausting, even more so if you suffer from social anxiety and find it a real effort.  It's important to spend time with others but it's important to have some time to yourself as well.  It can help when you have quite a busy social schedule, to block in some times in between where you can have some 'me time'.
It can give you something to look forward to when you are in the thick of a social situation.
When I am finding a social situation a bit intense, it can help for me to simply think to myself...
 Don't worry, in a couple of hours of time I'll be at home, on my own, having that lovely hot bath.

Don't be too hard on yourself.
However, much you try and prepare, things are not always going to run smoothly.
It's a process remember and the main thing is you're trying!
You can't expect any more of yourself than that.
When you feel disappointed or frustrated with yourself, ask yourself how you would treat a friend if they came to you with the same problem. I bet you'd tell them that they hadn't let anyone down, they had just had a bit of a bad day but there will be better ones to come.
Perhaps you owe yourself some of the same kind and compassionate treatment.

I hope this post helps with any social occasions you may have coming up over the next couple of weeks.
All that's left for me to say is...

Merry Christmas!

I leave you with my Christmas card design for this year...



Love and Strength,
The One Day Seeker